Friday, 25 May 2012

Opening to Receiving :)

I’m not sure that I’ve ever been so excited to write a blog post…or had the feeling like my fingers are falling so much all over each other to get what I’m feeling out onto the screen in front of me…

(Deeeeeeeeep breath… ;)

I feel like I experienced a quantum leap in my reality today. I feel like a different person. I feel, for the first time perhaps in my *life* - or at least the first time as an adult – that I am truly open to receiving. Receiving love from others, receiving acceptance, receiving connection…receiving whatever is lovingly given. This may sound like some “new age blahblah” perhaps to some people reading this…yet for me I truly feel today like a veil has been lifted…like I’m experiencing life suddenly in technicolour…like *everything* is different…I hope to be able to convey this experience here in a way that helps others to relate to it…

So, what happened…?

Well…I’ve recently been delving deeeeeeeeply back into the world of “Non-Violent Communication” (NVC, also sometimes known as “Compassionate Communication”). What I’m seeing is that for me, this way of communicating and being is HUGELY powerful as a tool of self-transformation. HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGELY powerful. It has such resonance with my soul, with my way of being, my way of understanding myself…more than any other “transformation tool” I’ve *ever* used…

I learnt of NVC for the first time many years back now – perhaps eight years or so ago, on a retreat in the UK…it very much resonated for me then, yet I was at that time also very much diving into the raw food world, developing my website, books, coaching etc, so, I integrated what I swiftly could of NVC and it then took somewhat of a “backseat” for me these last eight or so years…

In the last few weeks I’ve been immensely enjoying reading a number of NVC books, mostly around parenting issues in relation to NVC. I’ve read perhaps six or so books in this field in the last few weeks and the more I read, the more NVC becomes integrated into my life, my thinking, my patterns and the more and more and MORE I love and appreciate it…

Which brings us to today.

I had a space of about 40 minutes alone this morning. I was feeling exhausted. I decided to get centered, take a deeeeeep breath and use NVC to look into what was going on for me right then. In I went.

After prodding around a bit, I could see that the main feeling with me was one of anxiety. Ok, got the feeling. Now, what was going on *behind* that feeling of anxiety? As I delved and dug and burrowed into this picture, what I came up with was this: I was feeling anxiety in relation to a number of upcoming social engagements – meetings with friends, events and so on.

Why anxiety?

What was not feeling fulfilled in me to such a degree that just thinking of these social events would trigger a feeling of anxiety in me? Again I dug and dug around, looking for the answer that TRULY felt like it resonated…and what I saw was that at these kind of encounters, what I was looking for was acceptance, love and connection…and the *anxiety* was there because rather than ever allowing myself to actually RECEIVE these things to any significant degree, I had instead been holding myself in a life-long pattern of feeling "obligated" to GIVE these things to whoever else was around me, non-stop, constantly, until I felt totally drained.

I would not allow myself the space to RECEIVE almost *anything* from anyone…just little threads here and there to keep myself alive…otherwise I just felt obligated to give give give give give, relentlessly…and no matter how much I would give, I would always wonder if it was “enough”…no WONDER I would usually walk away from social encounters feeling totally exhausted ;O

…and no wonder that the mere idea of such encounters being upcoming in my near future would trigger feelings of “anxiety” in me…feelings of “oh man, here we go again, get ready to givegivegivegivegive, get ready to feel totally exhausted”… It is like I’ve been feeling obligated to take on the “responsibility” for the happiness and well-being of everyone around me for years on end, without being available to RECEIVE almost anything for myself except scraps…WOW :O

As I said, others may read this and think “so what?”, or “what is she babbling about…?”, yet for me, right now, this is all feeling absolutely MONUMENTAL and I have the feeling that there may be many others out there, women especially, who may read this and feel some resonance with the patterns I’m describing and…who knows, maybe even through my sharing, others may feel that they find some kind of a “short-cut” to realising what they are experiencing too…

As I looked at this picture in myself of giving-giving-giving and not being open to receiving…as I cracked that apart, I felt, in my energy body, a massive shift…I felt and “saw” it in my energy field, as my heart chakra opened up with a soft green light in an OPENING/receiving cycle that just wasn’t seemingly there before, or certainly not open in the way I could sense it opening now…I felt the warmth of the opening as it spread across my heart space…it felt amazing…I was moved to tears.

Suddenly everything felt differenteverything – my whole life…so, here’s an arrayed snapshot into some of what I’ve been feeling/sensing for the last few hours: I feel lit up, hyper, bubbling, disorientated at this huge new sense of energy flowing through my system, I keep getting visions of running on hill-tops, bursting with energy; I feel like I’ve been living a “half-life” until now, without even remotely realising it; I keep wondering “why would anyone have ever listened to a word I said until now…?” – couldn’t they SEE I wasn’t fully there?; also wondering: “how did I get anything done living that kind of half-life?”…marvelling that I survived at all, let alone managed to offer the world anything that feels “significant” in any way; wondering if other people have lived all their lives feeling this way too, or if not, how different things have been for them; huge feelings of gratitude to realise these things NOW at least…and especially while Oria is still relatively young, rather than not taking the time/space to check into all this until she is already grown and has potentially taken on the same energetic patterns fully for her life too; huge feeling of gratitude and relief too for the tool of NVC to help me to see these things clearly – I’ve worked with MANY healing modalities over the years and nothing has come close to this for me personally to just be able to get into the CORE of what it is that I’m feeling and wanting; the energy sensation currently in my body feels very similar to the feeling I get when I eat raw chocolate – the blowing open of the heart chakra, the increased synchronicity, the “high”, yet this is all completely energy-based, no physical consumption of anything involved and hopefully there will be no significant “come down” ;) …I deeply hope and trust that this new awareness will stay with me now and integrate fully

I want to make something else clear…I do not feel that the primary place for me now to receive from is other people…I feel that it is from Spirit/Source/God/Nature, or whatever you might like to call that energy that is beyond these little human forms we’re apparently in…I was recently reading shaman Little Grandmother’s beautiful book and one part in there that really resonated for me was where she describes the pattern most humans seem to have these days of “feeding” from each other energetically rather than connecting to and fuelling from Source, from the infinite well of pure potential and love that surrounds us…this feels to me like the REAL place to truly receive from…

So what does any of this mean in “practical” terms? For me it feels like there is the possibility for me to relax more now in social settings with others. I can let go of feeling “responsible” for everyone in any context, “obliged” to keep things feeling “nice” and flowing…I can just relax, if I choose, keep my heart chakra space open to receive as well as give and…see what arises ;)

I don’t attach any expectations to holding this space completely open steadily all the time now that I’ve witnessed it…I do feel like there’s been a fundamental shift in my being though and I feel so very grateful for it and wanted to share something of this experience here.

If you would love to explore NVC more for yourself, we have an NVC book you might enjoy HERE – I’d *HIGHLY* recommend checking this technique out… :)

Brightest blessings to you all,
Angela. xxx

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